Generic selectors
Exact matches only
Search in title
Search in content
Post Type Selectors
featured-image

How I ended up loving my daughter.

A true story of my struggle with postpartum depression

Like so many other moms, if you look at my social media pages you will see the picture-perfect family. A happy baby, smiling mommy, and proud daddy. You will see all the milestones baby has hit, the perfect pregnancy photos followed by the perfect baby announcement, and then the perfectly posed monthly pics with baby’s likes, dislikes, and other random stuff only a parent really cares about. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

What you don’t see is the absolute terror I felt going in to deliver my baby by emergency C-section due to preeclampsia. You don’t see the moment when I was asked if I wanted to see my baby for the first time, and I blurted out, “No!” with absolutely no hesitation. You don’t see the look of shock and the audible gasp from the anaesthetist. You don’t see the months of incredibly mind-numbing depression and the crippling anxiety that took over me after childbirth.

I didn’t want this new life; I didn’t want to be around this child, and I wasn’t one of those mothers who fell in love with their baby the first time they laid eyes on them. Instead, I just did what I had to do as a “mother’’ robotically and resentfully getting up to feed this crying ‘thing.’ This ‘thing’ that took over my life, this ‘thing’ that didn’t allow me to sleep or eat or poop or shower or even think in peace. None of what I felt ever made me want to harm my baby, but instead I just did not want to exist.

Before my baby girl was born, if I had a bad day I could go to sleep and wake up to a new start, a fresh beginning, a new dawn as they would say. This was no longer a possibility with a new-born. I started calling it the “never-ending nightmare” because I didn’t get the chance to sleep, recharge, or get a fresh start. It was just one long day that seemed to never end, when night came there was no peace, there was no end to a crappy day. A crappy day became a crappy night which then turned into another crappy day, followed by another crappy night. A never-ending cycle, my never-ending nightmare. She would constantly need to be breastfed, comforted, changed, and cared for. She needed me every second, of every day.

I was officially diagnosed with PPD

Mother experiencing postpartum depression after childbirth. The pressure from breastfeeding and the need for selfcare first.

I know, you think this is sounding selfish and many will say, “well what did you expect?”. To be honest, I didn’t expect this and no amount of reading, research, or stories from other moms could have prepared me for this. Needless to say, I didn’t cope well, and I was later officially diagnosed as; suffering from postpartum depression. I no longer wanted to exist, and I despised what my life had become. Simply put, I wanted to disappear.

The only person seeing what was going on with me, daily, was my husband and I was too proud or rather, too ashamed to ask for help. On mornings when I literally couldn’t lift my head off the pillow, I would scream at him, scream that I was done with all of this and couldn’t do it anymore. My husband would stay home from work if he could, trying to pacify both me and the baby, but it wasn’t nearly enough.

Transitioning to formula from breastmilk saved me
Breastfeeding and transitioning to formula

My anxiety wouldn’t allow me to allow anyone else to help. I couldn’t sleep knowing she was crying or might start crying. My “naps” would be timed so that I’d be up to breastfeed, I was doing 2 hour feeds scheduled by a breastfeeding app, which really meant by the time I put her down, I had about 20 minutes before the next feed. Breastfeeding was killing me and affecting my ability to bond with my child. For those first three months, I totally regretted having her. I hated my life and what it had become and the pressure of “breast is best” which prohibited me from taking medication, I so desperately needed to transition my baby to formula.

A simple switch to formula would have made the world of a difference to my mental health, but the pressure to exclusively breastfeed was looming high. And even while doing it, I doubted myself and my ability to produce enough milk although the pediatrician told me that my baby was healthy and getting enough. I was convinced that I was doing it wrong and recruited a midwife to show me how to properly breastfeed. She herself was a “breast is best” advocate and was so extreme that she told me any formula given to my baby would undo all the breastfeeding ‘good’ that I had done thus far.

 

On the flip side, I began receiving immense pressure to start formula feeding from those who loved me most and began to see what was happening to me. My sister who lives abroad, came to visit and serendipitously stayed at my home with us. At that point, my mom and sister saw first-hand what was happening to me. They saw me becoming a zombie, sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss. They saw the need for me to supplement with formula and get rest. 

They were terrified of what they saw and feared that I was on the brink of harming myself or the baby. They needed me to get healthy so that I could be there for my baby and they believed that I needed to change my thinking from “breast is best” to “healthy mom, healthy baby.” Unfortunately, the people trying to save me by pushing me to formula feed were the ones I vehemently pushed away, focusing instead on the advice of the midwife.

I was an angry and depressed new mother, regretting every decision to have a child and live this life, at least she got breast milk, right? I figured, if I couldn’t genuinely love this child and if I honestly felt such regret for having her, the very least I could do as a “mother” is feed her, if I took away the breast, then what’s the point of me?

I am her mother, I am responsible for what she consumes, what is the point if I have no control. I felt defeated like I had failed my baby, like I wasn’t enough. Eventually, the decision to supplement feedings with formula was done, I was exhausted and overpowered by my husband, mother, and sister, they knew I did not approve. I wanted to stop them, I fumed, cursed under my breath, and cried but I did not physically have the energy to stop them.

I realized breastfeeding became more about me stifling this guilt of being a horrible mother and less about the benefits it had for my baby. After her first formula feeding, she slept, none the wiser, and I cried myself to sleep. I later woke up to breastfeed her, when she woke up, doubting my milk supply and my own sanity, I topped her up with formula, then she slept again, and I slept. I let them take over the feedings, and I got more than 20 minutes of sleep for the first time in 3 months. I was sleeping and recharging.

I still felt like a breastfeeding failure of a mama, so I began pumping to make sure my milk supply didn’t dry up, I was pumping, breastfeeding, and formula feeding. Little by little, the more formula was introduced, the more formula I gave, the more I enjoyed being able to reduce breastfeeding, for me, I realized that breast was not in fact best.

It was the beginning of the end of my nightmare, I was finally getting sleep, and going to therapy (my first solo outing, outside of the house). Bit by bit, I started reclaiming my life, going to my sessions with a psychiatrist, taking a trip to the mall, getting a wax done.

It took me 7 months…I love my daughter

Mommy and daughter love

Seven (7) months later, I can honestly say I love this healthy, happy little girl more than life itself. She is my reason for living, truly living, and not just surviving so that I can take care of her. I learned that I can’t take care of her if I don’t take care of myself first. I still feel pressure and anxiety to leave the house with her, but I’m doing it, a baby bag full of formula and boiled water, no more breast milk.

After 7 months, do I still regret having her?

If I’m being honest, at times I do miss my alone time, being able to run out of the house in ten minutes vs two hours, going out with my husband alone or in the spur of the moment, but then I look at her now, my heart melts and I fall in love each time. It took me seven (7) months to get here. It took me seven (7) months to fall in love with my baby, to genuinely fall in love. I wasn’t one of those mothers who fell in love with their baby the first time they laid eyes on her, held her, or breastfed her, but I ended up in the same place. I can finally say that I truly love my daughter, and for that I’m grateful.

Author:
Mimi Cakes & Mama Bear

The identities of some of our moms and kids are kept anonymous for several reasons. In the article the images used are generic.


Featured

I lost you.

I lost you.

"To my baby angel, You did flips in my belly, I heard your heart beat, I saw you grow for...
Read More
Third Trimester

Third Trimester

Third Trimester of Pregnancy, Week 28 to 40 You are in the third trimester, you have officially entered the seventh...
Read More
Second Trimester

Second Trimester

Second Trimester, Week 13 to 27 The first trimester can be a bit overwhelming for the mother-to-be, the second trimester is...
Read More
First Trimester

First Trimester

The first trimester of pregnancy. Week 1 to Week 13. A positive test, congratulations, YOU ARE PREGNANT!! The first trimester...
Read More
Signs of Labour

Signs of Labour

Signs of Labour. Labour and birth, it is not the same for every woman or every pregnancy.  Expectant mothers and...
Read More
Applying for Your Baby’s Birth Certificate, T&T

Applying for Your Baby’s Birth Certificate, T&T

The application process for a Birth Certificate just got easier with the newly implemented online system. If you are applying...
Read More
10 Things to Know When Applying for Your Child’s Passport, T&T

10 Things to Know When Applying for Your Child’s Passport, T&T

10 things to know when applying for your child's passport in Trinidad and Tobago. Passports are by appointment only. Before...
Read More
A New Parent’s Passport Experience, T&T

A New Parent’s Passport Experience, T&T

The first week in March 2020, we took our three-month-old to a passport appointment at the Chaguanas location. We were...
Read More
Colic and Babies

Colic and Babies

Any parent who has experienced Infantile Colic with their newborn can tell you, it is one of the worst periods...
Read More
8 Foods to Avoid in Baby’s First Year

8 Foods to Avoid in Baby’s First Year

It is recommended that babies Breastfeed exclusively for their first six months, if a formula is being used, this is...
Read More
Baby Name Generator

Select "Male" or "Female" below to randomly get a baby name.

Random Glossary term