I lost you.

“To my baby angel,

You did flips in my belly, I heard your heart beat, I saw you grow for months on a monitor, I picked out the cutest clothes and I named you Danielle.

Then, I held your beautiful tiny body in my hands, and I kissed your face, but this was not the start, it was the end of a life I prayed so hard for.

I lost you, I lost you Dani.

I will never forget you, I love you my sweet angel.”

I heard about miscarriages, stillbirths, and infants dying, but when it happened to me, I just did not know what to do next. Every inch of your body went numb, I questioned every aspect of my life, I cried until I could not cry anymore, and then I shut myself off.

Soon, others were telling me it was time to move on.

How do I move on, and how do I stop wondering what I did wrong? Every day hurts, every moment spent with other children makes me wonder about what my child would have been like and I am so afraid to try again.

I was told that I should talk about it, that I would feel better but all I feel shame and guilt. I feel like I am either judged or pitied, and I do not know which is worse. My husband tries to comfort me and be strong for me, but I am just not ready, it is hard on him too.

Maybe tomorrow with be better, for today I say a prayer for you, my baby in heaven.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness