Pregnancy was not the best part of my fairy-tale.

Once upon a time, there lived a little girl, who dreamed about life like most other girls; find a prince, get married, move into a castle, have children, and live happily ever after.  It is all a matter of perspective.

I found my prince, 16 years ago, he just didn’t know it at the time. It was the first day of school and he invited me to sit next to him, well at least that’s the way I remember it. This was the beginning of our adventure, we became friends, then a couple, we experienced life together, discovered ourselves, shared our dreams, hopes, and fears. We fell in love.

Fast forward to 2014, we got married, we had our fairy-tale wedding, and it was magical. We moved into our castle, a flat house with just enough room to comfortably grow a beautiful family. All that this girl could hope for.

Now it was time for children, it may seem silly to some, but motherhood was my dream, becoming a mom was so important to me. So, soon after marriage, we started working on expanding our unit of two, to a team of three. After two years came our very first, baby girl.

I know, it sounds like we had it all planned but the reality is, I was not prepared.

Getting pregnant

We placed so much pressure on ourselves to start our family, that it took some of the excitement out of being newlyweds. With that deep desire came expectation, anticipation, and disappointment. One pregnancy test after another, all were negative. I cried and I prayed. We soon realized that this was not healthy for us or for our relationship and decided to enjoy the moment, if pregnancy came we would embrace it. We also got a dog and he became our little baby, we focused our love and attention on him, it was therapeutic.

The day came when that pregnancy test returned positive, we were finally going to start our family! I could not contain my excitement, I waited for what seemed like forever, for this moment. My pregnancy was normal from a medical perspective, but, I could not have imagined how debilitating the coming months would be.

To speak ill of pregnancy when so many couples try unsuccessfully seems blasphemous, I know, but that is not my intention. This is just my pregnancy story.

My pregnancy

The first five (5) months of my pregnancy were torture, for me.

Prepartum Blues (if the term exists), you hear of postpartum blues and depression, so you expect this after the baby is born, but many women experience depression during pregnancy. I remember crying myself to sleep at nights, struggling with so many emotions, as I look back now, I don’t even think my prince knew.

Morning sickness, I was throwing up all day. Some of my favorite things were no longer things I liked, these raging hormones ruled me, I felt like my body defeated me. I longed to be isolated and for a long time, I was ashamed to tell people what I was going through, because of the judgment I knew for certain I would face. I was tired all the time, and as a working woman, it took both a physical and mental toll on me.

I used to work, six, sometimes seven days a week, from 9 am to 8 pm, as a tertiary level educator, it was my routine for 9 years and it worked for me until it did not anymore. Everything hurt; my legs, back, and stretching belly. I was gaining weight, getting stretch marks, taking time off from work, and just waiting for the baby to come.

It was clear, while I could not wait to meet my baby, I was not in love with pregnancy and I looked forward to the end. October 2016, 3 am my labour began, we had our little girl, and our new life as a family began.

Having children makes my heart happy, but if I could skip the 9 months and just have them that would be great.

Pregnant with a toddler in tow

After just one year and two months, I felt that sick feeling again and I knew, I just knew deep down in my core, I was pregnant, again. I was going to have another baby when my first was still a baby.

Of course, the universe did me no favours, my second pregnancy was harder than the first, mostly because I had a toddler on my hands, and I was so exhausted all the time. A grown woman, with her own child, I picked up that phone and I called my mother, there is no shame in reaching out for help. My mom stepped in, come to think of it, seems like I moved my mother into my home because there were days when I could not get out of bed, I did not have the strength to stand, or to brush my teeth, I remember sitting down to shower, it was that awful.  My mom got me through every day, she helped me care for my baby while taking care of her baby, me. This became the new norm of pregnancy number two. Moms are awesome, I would not have survived it without mine and I learned very early in the second pregnancy that no pregnancy is the same.

Unlike my first pregnancy, my second saw me give up my job.

It really was not an easy period but the support from family and friends played a major role in my life, and I found things to make me feel good about myself again, even for a moment. I did my maternity photoshoot, the baby shower, I scheduled date nights and spoke to my mom a lot about everything I was going through. I sincerely feel my family is complete. Pregnancy and motherhood changed your life tremendously, my body, job, routine, family life, relationships, and even my bank account has never been the same.

My second daughter was born, everything about this pregnancy was a new experience, even childbirth. I went in to deliver, what I expected to be a vaginal delivery turned into an emergency C-section. Life just seemed to be piling on the challenges, but I trusted the people around me, to deliver my baby safely and take care of me.

As tough as both pregnancies were, my two daughters are worth every sacrifice made, every stretchmark gained and stitch received.

Check out my childbirth story on Vaginal Birth and Emergency C-Section.

Love,

The Mom Warrior (aka the Mom Worrier)